Fear
by Diporae
Summary: Formerly called "Changes," sequel to "Strength," and part 2 in arc. Splinter is still missing, the mystery of TCRI is looming,and the turtles are adjusting to their brother's new mutation. The one struggling the most with the transformation is Raphael, but it is Leonardo who is forced to relive the past in a desperate attempt to save his brother. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello dear readers! For those of you returning and those of you who are new, welcome! This is Part 2 of my current story arc and so it is the sequel to Part 1: _What is Strength?_ Originally I was just going to make one huge story with tons of chapters, but I decided to split it up. I felt I needed a bit more closure after chapter 10 of _What is Strength? _and I liked the added flexibility of having separate stories. As many of you know one often has a set plan when they begin a story, but rarely does a story it follow through a set linear path. I know when my muse hits sometimes it is as though my head will burst with all the ideas and so I often find myself changing where I thought the original story would go. That is also partially why it took me a little longer to get this chapter out. I have to admit I rewrote it several times before I felt it encompassed everything I wanted.**

**Also I still do not own TMNT.**

**Thank-you once again for reading and let me know what you think! And without further ado... **

Part 2: Changes

Chapter 1

Leo and I soon caught up to Mikey and Don. Don was leaning against the wall and Mikey was crouching on the ground. Once Mikey saw us he jumped up, "'Bout time you showed up bros! You guys were taking forever! Let's go home already!"

The three of them started to walk down the tunnel, but I just stayed put. "I guess I'll see you guys later then…"

They stopped and Leo came back towards me looking confused, "What are you talking about Raph? Aren't you coming with us?"

I snorted, "Are you serious Leo? Even if Don did manage to figure a route for me to the lair do you really want a twenty foot turtle in there? You saw that warehouse right? It's probably better that I stay down here and stay outta trouble till Don finds a way to get me back to my usual mean green self."

Leo reached out and touched my hand, "Of course I want you home Raph. You didn't think we came down here just to give you a house warming present did you? Besides we can figure out something, right Don?"

Don looked me up and down, _Now, I know how the amoeba in his microscope feel._

Finally Don answered, "Yeah I think it'll be fine Raph. You'll just have to stay on in the common area. The ceilings are close to thirty feet there so you can even stand on two feet if you want. I'd prefer if you stayed on the first floor though. I'm not sure if the second floor can… Support you."

_Great first Leo calls me fat and now Don's at it. I get it guys: I'm a ten tonne turtle. Geez you'd think they thought I was blind or something._

Don seemed to pick up on my thoughts, "Hey don't take it personally Raph-"

I cut him off, "Don't worry about it Don. You're not the first to get into it…"

I glared markedly at Leo who innocently pointed to himself and silently mouthed, "Who me?"

I shook my head and continued, "I still don't think it's a good idea. Ok so the common room could work, but it'd still be on the cramped side not to mention I'd have zero privacy."

It was Mikey's turn to jump in, "But Raph think of the possibilities! You could watch TV all day! Oh and you'd always be the first to know when something's going on and hmm what else?" He clapped his hands together, "Dude you know what? You could totally be like my personal elevator! You know since Don refuses to put one in for me."

_Oh he so going to pay for that one too_.

"Oh well Mikey that is just such a great point! Please excuse me while I contain my pleasure at getting to move your lazy butt from your room to the kitchen on your every whim."

Whack! _Ahhh yes, Don strikes again! _

"Owww Donnnnnie!"

Don glared at Mikey who was once again rubbing his head. "Hey shell-for-brains newsflash: we're trying to get Raph to come with us remember? Well Raph here's why I think you should seriously consider coming with us. You want to go back to normal right?" I nodded in response, "Well then if I have to run to and from here every time I want to get a sample, run a test, or whatever else demands your physical presence I am going to not just waste time but get frustrated rather quickly. So if you want a cure sometime this millennia, I strongly suggest you deal with a little less privacy and come with us."

_I thought Leo was a bossy diva._

I raised my hands in defeat, "Alright fine you win. Just don't come crying to me when I accidently take out a wall or Mikey's room."

Mikey looked confused, "Hey why does my room have to be trashed? Why not Don or Leo's?"

I smirked at him as I raised myself to walk on all fours, "Well if I can't punch you anymore I have to get back at you some way dingus."

Mikey looked panicked, "Whoa whoa whoa that… That's not fair Raph all my stuff is in there! My comic book collection, my movies – Leo you wouldn't let Raph wreck my room would you?"

Leo raised his hands as he and Don resumed their way down the tunnel. "Leave me out of this Mikey. If you piss him off enough I am not responsible for his actions against you."

I laughed and followed Don and Leo leaving Mikey looking thoroughly flustered.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

It was quickly becoming a long and frustrating trek back to the lair. Don had come through in finding a way to the lair that would accommodate my size, but I still found myself almost constantly battle crawling. Even with all my new muscle it quickly became apparent that we weren't getting home any time soon. Between my snail speed and sore head (still kept nailing it) I knew my mood was sinking fast. I heard my stomach growl, _As if I don't have enough problems. I swear if I don't eat something soon I am gonna lose it!_

A familiar Mikey whine came from ahead, "I'm huuuuungry! Are we there yet?"

And for the umpteenth time three of us growled at once, "NO MIKEY!"

_Oh my patience for that little puke is running out fast… He's hungry? He should try having his stomach quadruple in size and see how he likes it! If he keeps this up I am gonna trash his room. _

I could see a thin shaft of light coming from the ceiling up ahead. Mikey saw it too. "Hey bros I'll be right back!"

In a flash he was through the manhole. Leo hissed, "Mikey get back here!"

No response, but as I came close to the manhole cover I could smell something. _Food!_

I could feel my mouth salivating. It had been so long since I'd last eaten… My stomach let out a particularly loud growl. Leo was pretty close to me now and definitely heard it. He looked at me concerned, "Sorry Raph, I don't have any money on me. You got any cash Don?"

Don had been further down the tunnel and looked back, "Hmmm. No I don't sorry…"

Leo looked back at me, "You going to be ok Raph?"

"Yeah-" another loud gurgle, "Don't worry about it Leo."

He looked doubtful, "You sure?"

I just nodded. This was starting to get embarrassing.

Finally Mikey came back down with a couple of glorious mouth-watering hotdogs. Mikey could easily eat half a dozen at the best of times. He must have been short on cash to only get a couple. Leo put his hand on Mikey's shoulder. "Hey Mikey, um do you think you could spare one of those?"

Mikey looked at Leo surprised. Leo never asked Mikey for food. I saw Leo's eyes shift in my direction and a look of comprehension go through Mikey's eyes. He walked over to me, "Here Raph, you're probably lower in the blood sugar department than me."

I couldn't believe it. I had never seen Mikey part with food before. He loved food. Eating was one of his favourite pastimes. It was closely followed by video games and comics, but it still was his true passion. "Hey Mikey don't worry about it-" GRUMBLE.

If I wasn't so green I knew I would be bright red. That one was really loud. Mikey laughed, "I kinda think your stomach has a different opinion bro. Here it's cool. Just think of 'em next time you want to go all Raphzilla on my room alright?"

Still feeling embarrassed I took Mikey's offering, "It's a deal Mikey."

The dogs weren't even a mouthful and I was still felling famished, but at least they managed to get my stomach to shut up for a while.

When I thought we'd never get there, we were finally home. Leo, Don, and Mikey collapsed on the couch. I had just been thinking about how nice it would be to finally rest, but now that I finally had space to move I felt I needed to take advantage of it. I hadn't actually stood up to my full height since I broke out of the steel tank in the warehouse and as I rose to my feet I realized how much I had missed standing. Don was right. Although where the second floor jutted out I had to bend (I was tall enough to easily see into our rooms), most of the common area allowed me to stand fully upright. I stretched and felt my joints satisfyingly crack.

As I was rolling my head on my shoulders I became aware of my brothers' silence. I turned toward them and saw them all staring at me. "What?"

Leo and Don looked bashfully away but Mikey jumped up and ran to where I stood. _He doesn't even reach my knee…_

This train of thought didn't miss Mikey, "Sorry Raph we didn't mean to stare it's just… Wow… I mean this is the first time we've really gotten a real good look at you. Like it's kind of hard to all take in at once you know? See? I don't even reach your knee."

He stood by my leg as if he were a little kid waiting for his mom to measure him against the wall. I sighed and carefully lowered myself to the ground. It felt weird being so high above them. "Trust me Mikey, I am no closer to getting used to all this than you guys are."

It was true: I was now completely unfamiliar with my body. It didn't even feel like it was my body. Every time I closed my eyes I half-expected to open them and find that nothing had changed at all. Mikey was still gawking at me and under normal circumstances I would have gone to my room for some space. That was no longer an option so I took the best alternative I could think of and faked a yawn. "Hey are you guys cool if I crash for a bit? I'm just feeling real tired all of a sudden."

Leo immediately jumped up obviously eager to relieve the awkwardness that now seemed to choke the air. "No problem Raph. I'll grab some bedding stuff from the storage closet."

Don followed suit, "I'll go help Leo out. Be back in a minute."

As they both ran up the stairs I moved on all fours over to our designated dojo area and curled up on my stomach. Meanwhile, Mikey was still staring at me. _I seriously need to get Leo and Don to teach shell-for-brains some tact_.

I growled, "Mikey do you mind?"

Mikey jumped at my growl and Leo turned on the stairs at my remark, "Hey Mikey, get over here and give Don and me a hand!"

"Geez guys I get the hint! Can't a turtle just stop and smell the roses? Speaking of which you could really use a bath Raph. You stink more than usual!"

I growled again and desperately wanted to whack Mikey, but thankfully Leo beat me to it as Mikey ran up the stairs. "OW! Et tú Leo?"

"Stop messing around and go help Don!"

Leo frowned Mikey up the rest of the stairs. He then faced me, nodded knowingly in my direction and then disappeared after our brothers. I was grateful Leo had given me this moment of peace, but it was over all too soon. The three of them returned shortly with a mountain of blankets and as soon as Don threw his on the ground at my feet he took off towards his lab, "Be right back guys!"

As soon as we had a miss-match of blankets on the floor forming what Mikey dubbed "Raphzilla's Nest" Don was back with several syringes, vials, and needles. I glared apprehensively in my brainy brother's direction but as I opened my mouth Mikey beat me to it, "Hey Donnie what's with all that? You could outfit a hospital with all that junk!"

Don answered as he arranged his arsenal on a metal tray on the floor at my side, "I need to collect samples from Raph Mikey. Remember the whole "I need to run tests to figure out how to cure him speech?" The sooner I get the samples the sooner I can get us some results."

I didn't like Don poking at me at the best of times and I couldn't help but hiss when he pulled an especially long and nasty needle away from the others, "What the hell is that?! That ain't no needle you use to get blood from an arm!"

Don calmly placed it beside a syringe that was already full of clear liquid. I then noticed the iodine, rubbing alcohol, and his lab bottle of distilled water. "Calm down Raph it's just a spinal needle. I am going to take blood, but I am concerned as to whether the agent that caused your mutation managed to migrate into your neural tissue. The only way to confirm if it made it past the blood-brain barrier is to do a spinal tap. Unfortunately, since as a turtle you have a shell in the way, I cannot do the typical lumbar tap so I need to go at your atlanto-axial joint instead."

I felt my glare intense – I had barely understood half of what he just said. I felt anger starting to pulse through my veins. If Egghead thought he could cow me into submission with medical jargon that he knew full well I didn't fully understand he had another thing coming! I had heard needle, spine, and brain and that's all I needed. I sat up on my hunches and towered menacingly over him, "Like hell you are Donatello! There's no way you're sticking that thing in my neck!"

Don sighed, "Come on Raph it's not like I'm going to just jab randomly in there until I hit something! I am first going to use a liberal amount of local anaesthesia. They'll be so much Procaine in you that you won't feel a thing! Trust me I know my anatomy and I know what I'm doing!"

He took a step towards me and I started to growl. In surprise, Don jumped back and then pleaded to Leo, "Leo help me out here!"

Leo turned away from Don and looked up at me. He crossed his arms across his plastron, "Relax Raph I trust Donnie. If he says he knows what he's doing, he knows what he's doing."

Mikey had been watching silently from the edge of the blanket nest in great interest and decided to throw in his piece, "Dudes really? You want to suck out a piece of his brain? Like have you seen the size of that needle? It's gotta be as long as Leo's katana! Besides it's a lost cause. That skull has nothing but air in it!"

We all turned to Mikey at once, "SHUT UP MIKEY!"

Mikey raised his hands in a dramatic gesture and promptly huffed off to the kitchen. I turned my attention back to Don who now exchanged the large spinal needle for a small familiar one. "Alright, how about I take the blood first and we do the spinal tap after?"

I spat, "Fat chance," but still sunk down and proffered my arm to him. Blood I would do but that's all I was giving.

Leo and I watched as Don wrapped one of our old belts around my right bicep to act as a tourniquet and deftly slid the needle between my scales and into a vein at my elbow joint. After removing the tourniquet he quickly filled up half a dozen purple-topped tubes. He pulled out the needle, "There see nothing to it."

He looked at me expectantly, his eyes glittering. _Why do I get the feeling he's up to something?_

"Hmph. There's still no way you're sticking that…" I surprised myself with a real yawn this time, "That thing into my neck!"

I felt a strange warmth run through me. I could feel its tendrils branching out through my veins and I found myself sinking to the ground. I felt my eyelids become unbelievably heavy as I tried to pinpoint the source of my warmth. It was as I looked at my arm and then saw Don put an empty syringe down next to the blood-filled vials that I connected the dots. I felt my anger blossom but as much as I fought to fuel it to stay awake I knew I was bound to lose. "Don… You… Asshole…"

Darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I watched Donatello as he pulled out the long silver needle from Raphael's neck. "You know he is not going to be happy when he wakes up Donnie."

After Raph had passed out, it had been easy for Don to get his sample, but I was apprehensive for the moment when my temperamental brother awoke. Raph was more than a handful on the best of days, but now that he had a serious increase in size I was a little more nervous about setting off his temper. He had been amazingly calm throughout all of this and surprisingly, I had been the more emotional of the two of us. I still felt my cheeks burn when I thought about my loss of control in the sub sewers. What was even crazier was that it had been Raph who had pulled me back. It had been so long since he and I had connected like that. Raphael, despite his volatile nature, actually possessed a profound amount of empathy. I felt my insides squeeze in shame. How could I have forgotten the existence of such kindness in Raphael? He understood far more than I had been giving him credit for lately. Don pulled me out of my thoughts, "Hey I'm not claiming it was entirely ethical, but Leo you know how Raph can be when it comes to needles. He acts all macho but he really does hate the things."

"I know he'd never admit he's scared of them, but just knocking him out like that… I mean we probably could have gotten him to agree eventually."

"Maybe. But what if he didn't? Before we would have just pinned him down and that'd be that, but unless you haven't noticed he can now easily hand us our shells."

"Come on Don, I know Raph has temper issues, but he has been pretty low key since this change. I mean look at Mikey. He's been asking for a pummeling all day and Raph hasn't even laid a finger on him."

"True. But I don't really want to take any chances Leo. You saw that warehouse. If something sets Raph off… Well I don't want to even think about it."

Don had finished packing up his vials and seemed content to head to off to his lab, but I couldn't let him leave with this hidden distrust for our brother. I was surprised, Don had seemed perfectly calm around Raph, but I knew that my logical brother always did keep his emotions under tight control. I did understand where Don was coming from and before this morning I would probably still feel the same way. Raph had changed that. Don wasn't there to see what Raphael save me. At the time it felt like I was starting to tear at the seams yet somehow Raph knew exactly what to do to stop it. Looking back I realize how nervous he must had been. He was terrified of hurting me, acting as if I was made of glass, but despite his fear he still helped me. He saved me from myself and out of all of us, Raph had the most experience with that. "Don wait."

He turned around with the metal tray in his hands, "Look, I know this will take some getting used to and don't get me wrong I want to fix this more than anyone. Trust me, Raphael gets or at least strongly suspects what he's capable of now. With that added knowledge, I'm pretty sure he's going to double his efforts to keep his temper under control. You know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt us."

Don turned and walked away, "I know Leo, but it's the accidents that I'm afraid of."

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Mikey was watching cartoons, Don was working in his lab, and I sat near Raph attempting to meditate. My brother let out another snore. According to Don's calculations, Raphael was due to wake up at any time now that three hours had passed. Don had given him a slightly larger dose of anesthesia since he hadn't been positive on how resistant Raph's altered body would react to the drug. Don had come by to check on Raph's progress regularly. Ten minutes ago he came by to confirm that Raph was finally starting to come out of it (one of the indications was audible increase in snoring). Don then returned to his lab claiming the absolute necessity of his presence in continuing the analysis of Raph's bloodwork and kindly left me to handle our cantankerous brother when he awoke. _Thanks so much Donatello_.

I opened my eyes when Raph snorted and I saw him stirring. I could see his eyes moving under his eyelids and his mouth draw into a frown. He was awake. I released an audible sigh as an indication to him that I was present hoping it would steady his deteriorating mood. Suddenly his eyes were open and were glaring directly at me. _Geez if looks could kill…_

I decided to play it cool. "Hey Raph, how was the nap?"

His eyes swiftly darted around, found me once again, and narrowed. _Oh great. Here we go again…_

He growled as he rose into a seating position, "Don't act stupid Leonardo. You guys knocked me out."

I could practically feel the anger emanating off him and couldn't help but sigh in defeat. I had suspected what Don was going to do before he did it and could have stopped him. So although I hadn't liked the idea I shouldered part of the blame. As I sighed, I saw Raph raise an eye ridge. The tension in me eased ever so slightly, _maybe he's not actually that pissed?_

"You're right Raph. Don drugged you, and we should have asked you –"

"Darn right you shoulda!"

Despite the interruption I continued, "But look at it this way. You didn't have to be awake for Don to jab that saber of a needle in you and you got a free deep sleep out of it." He was still glowering down at me, "So maybe keep that it mind before you go Raphzilla on our rooms ok?"

Silence. I held my breath and then was greeted by Raph snorting, "Hmph looks like I'm going to be busy. I have what three rooms to trash?"

I tried to keep a semblance of a poker face as I counted off on my fingers, "Mikey, Donnie, and me. Yep three bro."

Raph's mouth was now twitching at the corner, "Do I gotta go in any particular order? Alphabetical? Shell-for-brains rating? Maybe a bribe system?"

"I'm pretty sure Mikey could be first by at least two of those categories. Last time I checked he was already in deep water, and you and I both know he has no money. Hell I'd pay you a bribe just for you to doubly trash his room over mine."

"Dunno if that works with my ethical guidelines bro. Gotta equally distribute the whoop-ass."

I crossed my arms across my plastron in mock frustration, "What? So taking bribes is ethical but not trashing one's room in favour of another isn't?"

He shrugged, "I don't make the rules I just follow 'em Leo."

"Uhhh…"

Then he laughed, "I'm just messin' with you bro. Don't worry I'm always game to wreck Mike's junk over yours."

As I joined his laughter Mikey shouted over the couch, "Hey before anyone goes messing up my stuff I'd just like to say it was I who ordered the pizza that should be arriving with Casey and April in the next fifteen minutes."

Raph looked over at Mikey, "Newsflash Mikey: making a phone call to a pizza joint don' count as a bribe."

Mikey jumped over the couch and came over to us, "It does when I paid for it."

Raph and I looked at Mikey in disbelief and Don now strode across the lair towards us, "It's true. Mikey's been making some extra cash on the side. After he ordered a fifty dollar comic with the family funds I put my foot down and told him that if he insisted on continuing his superfluous spending he had to do it with his own money."

Mikey pitched in, "Yeah so Donnie set me up on Amazon and I've been selling some of my art. It made sense to sell it instead of piling it up in my room."

I glared at Don and Mikey and opened my mouth only to have Don jump in, "Don't worry Leo. We use a fake return address and I check over all of Mikey's pieces before he sends them. None of the pieces give any indication as to who he is or where we are. I even insisted he use a pen name."

I expelled a sigh in defeat, "Fine as long as we can't be tracked Donnie."

"Trust me Leo, I've got it covered."

Raph snorted, "I wouldn't worry Leo no one would want to buy Mikey's art anyway. Pretty scenes with flowers, clouds, rainbows, puke. No one wants that kind of junk!"

Mikey quickly countered his brother's jab, "The key is to know your market Raphie. See I know pictures of your ugly mug would turn off anyone so I've been sure not to include you…"

And they were off. I shook my head to see Don subtly motioning me to follow him to his lab. I nodded and left Wingus and Dingus to their own devices.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Mikey and I had reached a temporary stalemate. Usually I would end the match by attempting to tackle Mike to the ground. Then I'd hold him until he called "Uncle." On the occasion he got away before I could get him (he was a speedy little devil) I'd make a half-assed attempt to catch him then wave him off in boredom and go do something else. I'd never _admit_ that he'd won, but we both would know that he had.

Our arguments were rarely serious. Yeah sometimes Mikey got on my nerves to the point where I actually wanted to pound him, but when we were just trash talking each other it was never mean-spirited. Especially when it came to Michelangelo's art. Of all of us he had the most right to his namesake. I had no doubt that his stuff was making money and I was impressed that Mikey had come up with the idea to sell it. Talent like his definitely needed to be shared. I even had a few pieces of Mike's work and they were more valuable to me that I would ever let him know. Sometimes late at night when the others were asleep I'd stare at them and often see some fine detail I hadn't before. That was the thing about Mikey's art. Unlike so many other artists, Mikey's art was alive even after it was on the page. It was visceral and tangible in its impact. A talent that few could claim. It often saddened me that Michelangelo would never be an active member in the art community. He would never get to go to art galleries, museums, or functions where he and other artists could bask in the glory of their genius. When Mikey pulled out Don's laptop to show me the activity he had on his Amazon account I couldn't help but fill with happiness. At least in this small way others would get to appreciate Mikey's art and words couldn't express how proud I was of my little brother.

We had been sitting in communal silence for a few minutes, both unsure as to how to continue out of our stalemate when Mikey's eyes met mine and I could see them glimmering in excitement, "You know Raph this is just so cool! It's just like in my _Silver Sentry #158_ where Malignous captures-"

I frowned in confusion unsure of where he was going with this, "What're you talkin' about?"

He stared at me obviously annoyed that I wasn't following his new train of thought. This was nothing new. When Mikey got going who knew where his thoughts would go next. It made conversations with him exciting because you were guaranteed to never get bored, but at the same time it could be irritating when one inevitably found themselves trying to catch up. "_Silver Sentry_ #158 Raph! Come on I leant you this one six months ago! Malignous captures that pizza guy and experiments on him and-"

_Ahh so this is where this is going. Just when I was thinking how awesome Mikey is. Typical._

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not some stupid cartoon Mikey!"

Mikey gasped and dramatically placed his hand over his heart, "_Raphael_ the Silver Sentry is no kiddie cartoon he is the defender of justice, the solver of crimes, the-" I took a deep breath trying to settle my irritation, "-ultimate hero of well… Superheroes! And for your information comics are an art form that-"

"Mikey, gimme a break! Comics ain't art!"

Ok so I didn't fully agree on the statement and he obviously caught on that too because his eyes were now mischievous "Don't interrupt Raphie boy! I am bestowing valuable knowledge upon you. I just hope it can penetrate that thick skull of yours!"

I groaned. I was really starting to miss ending our arguments in a tackle fest but now that Mikey knew there was nothing I could do… Or was there? Mikey was now pacing back and forth and an idea struck me. I just needed to time it right. Mikey was quickest of us, but if I surprised him it could work... Mikey was yabbering on like a pretentious prick but thankfully he kept pacing back and forth in front of me. He knew he was taunting me, but his cockiness would be my saviour. _Wait for it… Just a little closer… Closer… There!_

In the split second Mikey had his back turned to me, as he spun to begin another circuit, I shot out my neck, opened my mouth and grabbed him by the back of his shell. I then stood up holding him in my teeth – hard enough to ensure he couldn't move but not so hard to actually crack his shell or do any real damage. At first he didn't move. _He's probably pretty shocked. Didn't expect anything like this I bet._

Then came the Mikey scream. That high-pitched squeal that stung the ears. "AHHHHHH. Raph put me down! Put me down!"

But I wasn't done yet. There was no way I was letting him think I'd gone soft. I lifted my head up so that he now hung directly above my mouth. Mikey sharply breathed in, "RAPH! RAPH! COME ON BRO! YOU'RE NOT THAT HUNGRY ARE YOU? YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY EAT YOUR BELOVED BABY BROTHER! RIGHT? RIGHT?"

I stifled a laugh and by the lack of tension in Mikey's body, I knew he could feel the vibrations. He continued his role of damsel in distress. After all, if nothing else Mikey loved being a drama queen. "EEEEEE! JUST STAVE OFF THAT HUNGER A LITTLE MORE! PIZZA WILL BE HERE SOON AND ALL WILL BE WELL!"

I gently shook him back and forth to add to the effect and I could tell he was trying his best to keep from laughing too. I was so occupied in trying to keep Mikey in a gentle grip while not laughing that I didn't fully register the sound of the lair elevator door opening. Mikey evidently didn't notice either, "AHHHHH! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME GAMERA! HAVE MERCY!"

I was attempting to hold back another laugh at the gamera comment when all too late I was met with a nut-job wearing a hockey mask, SMACK! "HANG ON MIKEY! I'LL SAVE YA! RAPH! LEO! DON! WE'VE GOTTA PROBLEM!"

One Casey Jones had plowed a puck into the back of my head and in my surprise I let go of Mikey who promptly landed onto the nest of blankets below. I prayed between the bedding and his shell that he was ok. He was out cold and so all I could do was roll him out of the way of the incoming puck fire. I moved down onto all fours (placing myself between Casey and Mikey hoping to help shield my bro) and turned to see a bat barreling towards my face. TWACK!

My eyes watered from the impact on my nose. Even as a snout it still apparently had no lack of nerve endings. After the moisture cleared my vision, I saw April standing in terror by the elevator door holding an armload of pizza boxes. I had received that look too many times lately and I did not like it. Meanwhile Casey was winding back in preparation to take another swing at me. I raised a hand in defense, "Cool it Casey! It's me Raph!"

Casey froze for a fraction of a second and then glowered at me and shouted before taking another swing this time at my forearm, "LIAR! YOU'RE NOT RAPH! YOU JUST TRIED TO EAT MIKEY!"

TWACK! Ok touché, from an outsider's view that would have appeared to be the case… However, just because this hot-head had declared war on me didn't mean I was going to let him keep hitting me with that hunk of wood. _I don't care if it don't hurt, I ain't no one's piñata!_

This time I grabbed the bat from Casey before me could swing. He let it go and I threw it to the side as he apparently decided to go back to shooting pucks. I dodged one only to have it sail by and smash into one of the TV's. I groaned, "Dude this is getting ridicul-" I dodged another (thankfully this one harmlessly hit a wall), "-ous. Seriously it's me!"

I could now hear Leo and Don running from Don's lab. Leo was shouting, "CASEY! STOP!"

Casey was still on the warpath and didn't even seem to hear my brothers' approach. I could feel my temper flaring and really wanted to drop kick Casey out of the lair. I only needed a way to do it without damaging the place further... Just as he was about to shoot the umpteenth puck at my head a groan came from Mikey's direction, "Raphael, way to drop me bro! Geez remind me to wear a parachute next time I hang with you!"

Casey stopped dead in his hockey puck barrage as he watched Mikey get up, walk nonchalantly up to me, and teasingly punch me in the arm. Then when Mikey caught sight of our guests, "April! Casey! Perfect timing! I'm starving!"

Silence.

Don and Leo arrived and jumped in front of me during Mikey's proclamation. Then Casey finally lowered his stick slightly and pulled up his mask looking at us in utter confusion. I could feel Don and Leo share the same thought as we looked at Casey's dumbfounded expression, _what a bonehead!_

April came to the rescue. She had placed the pizza on the floor near the door and walked up beside Casey and looked straight up at me. I met her eyes unwaveringly. It only took a second for recognition to run through her eyes, "That's you isn't it Raphael?"

I slowly nodded. Casey looked at me then back at April and then back to me and moved a few tentative steps forward. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head. "Uh guys… Last time I checked Raph was a five foot tall little green dude… You know red mask, the oh so charming disposition… Doesn't try to eat his bros…"

Leo hissed, "Raphael did you try to _eat_ Michelangelo?"

Mikey and I exchanged glances and laughed. Mikey recovered first, "It's not what you think Leo! Raph and I were just goofing around honest! Casey just walked in at like the worst possible moment!"

Leo glared at me and I held up my hands in defense, "Come on Leo do you seriously think I'd eat Mikey?"

Leo sighed in exasperation, "You're both idiots you know that? Also for the record Raph you shouldn't put things in your mouth if you don't know where they've been."

I chuckled, "Got it Leo, I'll keep that in mind."

Leo then rounded back on Mikey, "And you? Did it even occur to you to mention Raph's make-over before Casey and April arrived?"

If Mikey wasn't so green it would be clear that he was red with embarrassment. Apparently the thought didn't even cross his mind. He stammered, "I ah well um. Leo I just didn't think it was a big deal! I mean that's still our Raph in there… He just um you know got super-sized!" We were all glowering at Mikey now who continued to flounder, "Well and I um… Awe come on you guys! You know how forgetful I can be! Especially when I'm hungry! All I was thinking about was that delicious cheese and crisp crust and –"

Leo cut him off with a look that would sour milk, "Enough Mikey!"

"Hey guys as much as I enjoy being left in the dark I think Casey and I would be oh so appreciative if you told us: What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On!?"

We all jumped at April's tone. Of all of us, April's anger was the most feared. My brothers exchanged nervous glances and then simultaneously looked up at me. I guess they had collectively decided it was my tale to tell. I sighed, "Yeah it's me." I glared down at Casey and raised an eye ridge, "You know the turtle with "the oh so charmingly disposition.""

After that when Casey met my eyes I finally saw a look of recognition. He laughed, "Dude! It is you! Raph, man you're more ugly than ever!"

"You know you ain't so beautiful yourself bonehead."

April cleared her throat in an irritated tone, "AHEM!"

Casey and I both looked down as if we were scolded children, "Sorry Ma'am."

I spoke again, "Um well anyways as I was saying it is me, Raphael. I uh had a bit of a run in with these weird robot dudes at a TCRI warehouse and fell into a vat of this weird liquid during the fight. At first I was thankin' my stars that I fell in the liquid instead of breakin' my neck on the floor. That soon changed though when I felt like my body was being ripped apart." Even my brothers were listening anxiously now. I hadn't told them any details about what happened in the tank, "It hurt so bad and 'fore I knew it I was out cold. When I awoke I thought… I thought for a moment I was dead, but then I quickly realized I was stuck in a tight metal container. I thought maybe I was a prisoner somewhere, but as I broke free of the container I realized I never left the tank. It was me that was… Different. So um yeah… Long story short my bros brought me back here and Don is trying to cook up a cure."

During my explanation we had rearranged ourselves in a circle and I now looked hopefully across the circle at Don who seemed to be determined to avoid my gaze by thoroughly examining the ground instead. Casey was now sharing the similar look of excitement that Mikey bore earlier, "Raph! Do you know how awesome this is? You're like a mega mutant ninja turtle now! Just think of all the low-lives we'll be able to take down with you! The Purple Dragons are finally gonna be history!"

I felt a trill of excitement run through me. I hadn't even thought of that but before my train of thought even left the station Leo jumped in, "Hold up Casey. Raph can't just go out now! He will stick out like a sore thumb! The last thing we need right now is to draw further attention to this. Enough people already saw Raph fleeing the warehouse he trashed – no Casey don't look so pleased it's not a good thing – we can't risk him being seen again! Our main focus right now should be to undo this secondary mutation!"

My thoughts slammed to a halt. How could I have been so stupid! I was just thinking the same thing this morning. Yet, I couldn't stop a chill run through me when I thought of being trapped in the lair for days while Don figured out a way to undo this. April must have noticed some of the frustration in my eyes, "Don't worry Raph I'm sure Donnie can fix this! I can even lend him a hand until we get you back to normal." She turned to face Donatello, "Don what do you have so far? Have you gotten enough genetic samples?"

It was then that I realized that Don seemed pretty tense and another shiver ran through me. I had not allowed myself to even entertain the thought that this couldn't be fixed, but seeing Don looking so… deflated… allowed the thought to grow despite my best efforts to quench it. Leo put a hand on Don's shoulder, "Come on Don, you told me and now you need to tell them what's going on."

I felt bile start to rise as panic began to set in. It was true, Donnie my supposed miracle-worker of a brother could fix anything, but he couldn't fix me! A darkness gripped my heart. I was doomed to be a monster forever! Why the hell had I let my brothers convince me to leave the sub sewers. Instead of receiving all this false hope I could be attempting to live some semblance of a life down there in the darkness… My head began to spin as I felt the rage uncoil deep inside me, fed by my pain. How could they do this to me? I couldn't help but growl, "Why the hell did you bring me up here then when you couldn't fix this? Did you get up this morning and think: "Hmmm you know what would be fun today? Let's pump up our brother Raphael full of false hope and then just when he starts to think it'll be ok stick a fucking pin in it!" I was already down! Did you have to kick me too?"

Leo stood, "Raph please calm down!"

I had been laying on my plastron (in an attempt to not tower over everyone), but now I was on all fours and going on two. My anger was now pumping through my veins and I could feel it drenching my skin. My voice now gained a dangerous edge "Don't you dare tell me to calm down Leonardo! You are not the one stuck like this!"

April was once again wearing a mask of terror as she stared at me. Mikey and Casey appeared speechless, Don held his head in his hands mumbling intelligibly and Leo now stood at my feet looking up at me. Then a wave of adrenalin burned up my nose. The room now stunk of it and I knew despite Leo's brave face he was probably quivering inside. I tried not to breathe it in, but it still kept coming and my head spun more and more. My brothers, my best friends were terrified of me! As my head spun I could feel the blood pumping through my head and I needed to get out. Their terror was only continuing to fuel the pain and in turn my rage. As that rage increased, it began to take over and I knew it was only a matter of time before it was _all_ I would feel. I turned to the direction of sewer entrance only to find Leo still in front of me. I went back on all fours and angled all my energy in Leo's direction. I looked him straight in the eyes silently urging him to back down and let me run.

But Leo didn't budge. He just stared calmly at me and as my panic continued to rise I spat at him, "You know what? I could even deal with this whole transformation thing! But you know what I have a problem with? You pulling the rug out from under me at every chance you get! You are always doing this to me Leo! You admitted it yourself! You don't give a damn! Well FUCK YOU! I don't need this. I don't need this family and I especially don't need you!"

I had my face inches from his now and could not help but inhale his scent. Bamboo… Clean sheets… Candle wax… Incense… _Wait where is it?_

I inhaled again and felt my brow furrow. _It has to be here. He stunk of it more than anyone this morning.._.

But as the silence continued and I thoroughly went through Leo's scent profile I knew I wouldn't find it. There was no adrenalin coming from him. The adrenalin I had smelt was from the others – not Leonardo.

Leo wasn't afraid.

It was then that I really looked into his eyes. As I read what was there, a deep calm ran through me. My heart beat slowed and the rage that had unleashed itself so quickly seemed to melt away. My head cleared as the fury withdrew and I found my cheeks burning at my loss of control. It was then that I broke contact with Leo and looked at the ground between as in shame. I murmured under my breath so that only Leo could hear, "Thanks Leo."

I dared a glimpse up at my elder brother's eyes and saw a hint of smile mixed with relief briefly flint across. I exhaled loudly and turned back to the others and knew my eyes were boring a hole through the floor as moved into my frog crouch position. Suddenly, Leo was sitting in front of my right arm. He was not leaning on my hand, he still maintained his perfect posture while crossing his legs, but he had ensured that he was just close enough so that his carapace was slightly touching me. It was a small gesture but it further helped to calm me considerably. It reminded me how much Leo did care.

I glanced up at the group, their faces mirroring their confusion in what emotion to draw on. The mixture of shock and fear was slightly amusing and if I hadn't been so determined not to add further fuel to the fire I probably would have called them out on it. Instead I said, "Uhh… I'm uh… Well… Sorry guys…"

My mouth felt like it was full of peanut butter. I had never been good at this sort of thing and I especially did not like being the center of attention, which seemed to be all too common lately. Mikey unsurprisingly was the first to break the tension, "Not to worry dude. It's your time of the month. So hourly tantrums are expected. Even if you were a total ass just now."

WHACK. "OWWWWW! Come on April it was just a joke!"

April glowered at Mikey, "That is demeaning to women Mikey! And just because I'm the only female you know doesn't mean I'm going to go easy on you!"

WHACK. "Okay. Okay I get it! No period jokes. Geez."

But April looked dead serious, "That wasn't for your poor choice of humour. It was for being a jerk to Raphael when he is obviously going through a lot!"

I stared at April slightly shocked by that comment considering she was looking at me like I was the grim reaper only a few minutes ago. She turned from Mikey, who was still massaging his head, and a saw the guilt in her eyes. Yes, she had been afraid, but it was evident that she didn't feel too good about it. A cough came from Leo's direction, "Anyway, before that erm interlude, Donatello weren't you going to tell us something?"

Don jumped at his name and then let out an exasperated sigh, "Alright you win Leo. Raph it's not what you think. I may still be able to find a cure, but a more pressing concern at the moment is that you're not done mutating."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

At Don's words, I felt through my carapace Raph's body tense. He had been surprisingly calm throughout this entire ordeal, but I knew he was struggling. His outbreak moments ago only confirmed the magnitude of internal conflict waging inside him. I was thankful I had been able to bring him back. Lately, I had found it impossible to reach him when his anger erupted. The bond we forged this morning was far stronger than I anticipated. Even now, I could feel him drawing strength from me and vice versa. I leaned ever so slightly against his hand to remind him that we were still in this together.

He did not move his hand and I took that as a good sign. For Raph, actions always spoke louder than words, but that also meant one wrong move could easily spell disaster. I had to plan my actions carefully lest he explode again.

Mikey was the first to break the silence, "Uh Donnie… What do you mean Raph's not done mutating? Like how can he get more mutant than that?" he added as an afterthought, "No offense Raph."

Everyone's attention returned to Don, "He's not done mutating because his already twice-mutated cells are still chalk full of vacuoles containing the live mutagen agent. The reason he's not still mutating before our eyes is because the cells have entered a kind of genetic stasis. In normal cells mitosis is a critical way in which new daughter cells are created to allow for proper growth and function of the organism. Commonly, when the conditions for cell division are not optimal the cell will enter a resting phase and wait for a better time to re-enter the mitotic cycle. My best guess is that for some reason these cells are performing a similar action. However, eventually the cells will divide again and when they do, those vacuoles will break open and the whole mass mutation process will undoubtedly reoccur."

Casey then spoke up, "Look I'm no science wiz Donnie, but uh if all that mutagen stuff is contained in these vacuole thingys can't you just take them out?"

Don shook his head, "I wish it were that simple Casey, but in order to do that I would have to remove the agent from every cell in Raph's body. That includes trillions upon trillions of cells. I spoke of the vacuoles because that's where the majority of the stuff is located, but there is also uncontained agent floating around in his blood. The only reason it hasn't gotten into cells is because the concentration gradient is working against it now that all the cells are full." Don must have seen our blank looks, "_Sigh_, basically cells that are full of mutagen have no room for more mutagen so the only place the mutagen can go is to stay where it is in the blood stream." He was met by communal nodding, "The only positive is that by some miracle, Raph's blood-brain barrier is somehow strong enough to keep the agent out since the cerebrospinal fluid I examined from the spinal tap was clean. At least from the atlanto-axial joint up anyway; since Raph appears more or less the same neurologically."

April had her game face on, "Donnie, I know we can't get the mutation agent out, but do you think we could develop a compound that would neutralize the remaining mutagen so we can prevent another mass mutation? I know it won't turn you back to normal right away Raphael, but at least if we're successful in this we can stop it from getting potentially worse."

Don nodded, "I think that's our best bet April. I did manage to extract small amounts of the live agent from the samples I collected from Raph. We can start by studying that and gain some understanding of its structure. We will probably need more samples though in order to make any real progress."

The two of them were standing up and already heading in the direction of Don's lab and I lightly elbowed Raph to get him out of his shock and say something before they were gone. "Wait." April and Don turned back to face Raphael, "Before you two go all geek on me I think I'm entitled to some answers! It sounds like Leo already knows the gist of everything an' I'm sure soon April will too. Casey and Mikey probably don't care about the technical aspects that much," Mikey and Casey both nodded and shrugged in agreement, "But this is MY BODY you're messing with and I getta decide what happens next!"

Don and April both looked ashamed. Don walked over to Raph, "I'm sorry Raph. I didn't mean to get carried away. You're right. Any course we take from this point on needs your approval first."

April nodded behind Donnie in agreement, "What else did you want to ask Raphael?"

"This might sound stupid to you, but I need to know. If this second mass mutation thing occurs… Um like what's going to happen to me? I mean will I still be a turtle? Or um am I going to get much taller cuz it's already pretty cramped in here…"

Don's purple mask crinkled as he frowned up at Raph, "Honestly Raph that's part of the problem: I really have no idea. I would have to study the nature of your cellular mutation in far more detail than time permits to attempt to get you an answer. But the clock is ticking. Every second that passes brings you closer to another mutation."

"So basically we don't know what's gonna happen or even how long it's gonna take to happen? But whatever happens it's probably not gonna be good."

Don nodded solemnly, "Basically."

Raph was quiet a moment and then spoke in his usual I-could-care-less voice, "Well whatever brainaic don' let me keep ya."

Don and April looked at Raph in silence for a moment. Clearly dismissed they resumed their path to the lab. As they reached the lab entrance Raph called over, "An' by the way Don, if you ever drug me again, me mutating will be the LEAST of your worries."

Don waved, "Got it bro!"

Raph's voice carried all his usual swagger, but I knew he was scared. His hand had shook with nerves throughout the entire conversation.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It was noon and the lair was dark and silent. Since we could only really go top-side at night we ran on a nocturnal cycle. Casey had left hours ago after we finally ate the pizza he brought while we watched _Ocean's Eleven_. Mikey had then played some video game until ten and then finally dragged his butt to his room to pass out. Leo, ever the first of us to wake, went to bed at the reasonable time of eight. He would be up at four sharp (a good few hours before Mikey would reappear again). Don and April had worked until almost eleven when April finally announced defeat saying she couldn't think straight after being awake for more than thirty hours straight. I sent April to my room to catch some Z's. She tried to argue that she didn't mind going home, but I told her she was too tired to drive and I couldn't use my room so someone may as well enjoy it. Goodness knows I couldn't help but think about how much I missed my hammock as I lay on the lair's hard concrete floor. Before she turned in, she had forced Don to his room. She insisted he get at least a few hours of rest, but I knew Don. He'd be up just after Leo. Don had no reservations in pumping insane quantities of caffeine into his bloodstream if it would allow him to run on only a couple hours of sleep. When a project overtook him, sleep became a nuisance instead of a priority. However, with April staying at the lair, Don now had no other option but to go to bed lest he incur April's fury. I was now the only one awake and I knew sleep was nowhere near.

Even though my family slept deeply I knew that they still shared my worry, but my fear ran deeper than their anxiety. If this went as badly as Donnie predicted I risked losing not just myself but my family as well. I was terrified about what this second mass mutation was going to do to me. The first one was bad enough, but another? In a lot of ways I had been lucky the first time. Yeah I was huge freak, but at least I was still essentially Raphael. My thoughts, my memories, my emotions, my _mind_ were all still mine. There was no guarantee my luck would last through the next mutation. Worse yet, if I turned into an even more terrible monster and lost control of my mind… I could barely entertain the thought. I would no longer be my family's protector, but instead I would be their destruction.

Even just lying on the lair floor trying to summon sleep made me nervous. What if I changed in my sleep? What if this was the last time that I would see my life through my eyes? I knew Don was trying his best and if anyone was up for the challenge he was, but I couldn't help but think, as he took skin, blood, saliva, and all other imaginable chunks of my body for sampling, it was a lost cause.

A major reason I hadn't returned directly to the lair in the first place was because I refused to be a threat to my family. I had come back only because my brothers had convinced me that I wouldn't be a danger, but now that I knew I was a ticking time bomb I was even more of a threat. Yes, Donnie was my only hope for a cure, but I just couldn't stick around and wait for him to find one as my mutation-day drew ever closer. I am not afraid to take risks but I only ever gamble what I believe I can afford to lose. I'd willing risk myself but never my family. They were the only thing of true value in my life.

I only had one real option.

I began to feel around the inside of my shell near the spot where Mikey had subtly placed Don's tracker. It took a few minutes of digging but I finally managed to find it and pull it out. As soon as it was in my claws I squished it. This time I would not let my brothers find me. I took one last look around what was once my home preparing to leave, but before I left, an idea struck me. I slid my hand over the inside of my shell and found the bump, which was the handle of my sai. I smoothly pulled it out and gazed at it a moment, my eyes watering. I stood up and quietly placed it at the base of Leo's bedroom door. I did not look back as I began my journey. This time I would not return.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

My eyes sprung open at the soft sound of metal on concrete. For a moment I listened in silence, straining my ears for sound. I was rewarded with the noise of the sewer entrance opening and then closing. Even though I could not hear their movements, I knew instantly who it was: _Raphael._

I slipped out of bed and opened my door. There on the floor was Raph's sai. A shiver ran through me. _He's running away again…_

At this betrayal a jolt of anger ran through me. I closed my eyes and released a breath, expelling my anger with it. I would not accept his solution. I refused to let him give up. I knew he was struggling. I knew he was terrified. I knew he wanted to protect us. I also knew that he needed us – _he needs me!_

I rushed back into my room and grabbed my katana. I swung them on and turned for the kitchen and saw a glint of light catch my eye. Raph's sai lay forgotten on the floor. I pondered it for a moment and then swept it up, hooked it on my belt and continued to the kitchen. On my way I saw the Don's tracker smashed on the floor. At the sight I sped up. On the kitchen table I madly scribbled a note to Don and Mikey:

_Guys,_

_Raph has decided to take off again. I found the tracker on the floor so this time I think he's planning on leaving for good. Don't worry I'm going after him. Don please continue working with April to find an antidote. Mikey don't drive them crazy! I have my shell cell so call if you have any updates. Stay out of trouble until we get back._

_Leo_

I entered the sewers and began my search.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I was surprised by how fast he was moving. Even though I had given him no indication of my presence, I sensed he knew I was following him. My suspicions were confirmed when he entered the Hudson's River and began swimming upstream. I quickly realized I was no match next to his massive strength in the water, but I refused to give up. I managed to keep an eye on him for several hours (even though "keeping an eye on him" now meant seeing a scaly form occasionally breach the water's surface several miles ahead). I silently thanked the gods that he had left in daylight. If it was night I knew I would have no hope in following him. Sunlight usually deterred us from leaving the dark safety of the sewers, but here in the river I knew my green camouflaged me.

We were now far from the city and as the sun started to sink I felt a twinge of worry sink through me. It had now been at least an hour since I had glimpsed Raph and I knew I was losing momentum as my exhaustion sunk in. Out of my anxiety to find him, I started frantically scanning the riverbanks for any sign of giant turtle tracks. I was desperately hoping that he too was getting tired.

We were deep in the woods somewhere. I had never been this far up the river, but I knew that the city couldn't extend forever. As my aching limbs kept paddling I vaguely remember Don mentioning a state park somewhere north of the city. Maybe that was where I was? WHACK!

I briefly sunk under the water in a daze to see a small rowboat directly in front of me. I had been so absorbed in searching the riverbanks that I hadn't been paying attention to what was in front of me. _Smooth move Leonardo! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!_

I swam under the boat and shot to the front. Since my head had plowed into the back I prayed that the boat's occupants would be looking downstream for whatever their craft had nailed. I quietly broke the surface to the voice of a young man, "What the hell was that Bobby?"

Another man responded, "It looked like another un of them giant turtles Ig!"

_Shit! That means one of them saw me! Wait… Did he say another one?_

I knew it was risky, but I continued to eavesdrop. Anything that would help me find Raph. The man called Ig snorted, "Gimme a break Bobby you're always seeing things! First giant cros, then aliens, and now you're gabbing on about turtles!"

"This time it's true Ig! You missed the first un on accounts of you falling asleep fishing rod in hand and all. Then all of a sudden this 'ere great big beast offa turtle swims by! It was so big it rocked the boat and woke ya up!"

"I heard your fairy tale the first five times Bobby! You just don't want to admit that you were standing in the boat again and when you lost your balance you rocked the thing like a cradle so you wouldn't fall in the drink!"

"Alright wise guy. If I'm makin' it up then how do explain the second un? You been awake since the first un passed!"

Ig was silent for a moment. He was obviously pondering this himself. "Maybe the same reason you saw aliens last week?"

Bobby did not sound impressed and went on as if Ig hadn't said anything, "Two giant turtles in an hour! Geez Ig do ya think they're swimming up river to mate?"

I felt my cheeks burn against the cold river water. "Bobby ya dummy you're talking about salmon!"

_Ok… And on that weird note I think I should take my leave… _

I turned around to see that the river branching up ahead. _Great. Now which way do I go?_

The sun was getting lower and I knew sunset would happen within the next hour. I needed a direction and I needed it now, but I had no way of knowing which way Raph had swum. The only ones who did were the weirdos in the boat…

It was probably one of the riskiest moves I had ever done, but I was desperate and apparently Raph had already revealed himself to at least one of these men so I figured I didn't have much to lose. I turned around to face the boat again and loudly cleared my throat, "Ahem, could you please tell me which way that other turtle went?"

Silence.

"Ig! Ig! Ig! I told you! I told you there were giant turtles! And this un is following the other! Ha it IS they're mating season! I'll gladly help ya out turtle! Just go left up at the fork and then in a bit take another left! That's where we was when your girlfriend swam by!"

I choked on the comment about Raphael being my girlfriend by still waved in thanks before departing. _Well that was easier than I thought… It might be a good idea to not tell the guys about this though… Especially the Raph being my girlfriend… _

I shivered in disgust at the thought and as I dove under water I heard Ig stammer, "I really needta switch to decaf…"

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

After following Bobby's directions, and continuing upstream for another hour I soon found myself in a small, calm, and isolated part of the river. The forest was rugged here, but evidently not a common avenue for human adventurers. When the sun began to sink behind the horizon, and I felt I could swim no more, I finally saw what I had been looking for. The river bed became abruptly shallow and on the soft dark sand were tracks of something very large pulling itself out of the water. Upon closer examination I saw the hind prints had two toes and the fore prints had three. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had finally caught up to Raph! I followed the tracks away from the water but my exhaustion was crippling my progress. I was completely spent. I desperately wanted to continue my search, sensing my brother was nearby, but my body was failing. I scanned my surroundings and directed myself to the nearest shelter I saw. A giant oak tree had recently toppled and in the hollow of its lifeless roots I curled up in my shell. I was asleep before my eyelids closed.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I had lost his scent ages ago and was convinced as I pulled myself from the river that I had finally ditched Fearless. With the added advantage that the river was like a watery maze in this region, I thought there was no way Leonardo would be able to continue trailing me. I had thought that – until right as the sun set I caught the unmistakable hint of my elder brother's scent. The scent was now warped by the river's influence but it was there – and close. I shook my head in disbelief – Leo was obviously more resourceful than I thought. In the shelter of the forest, the greenery and growing darkness masking my emerald skin and obsidian shell, I waited for his inevitable approach. The minutes lengthened as I continued my silent vigil, but still no movement came from Leo's direction.

As the moon and stars appeared, spilling in broken rays of light down to the forest floor, I heard a soft snoring sound from my brother's direction. I frowned, _does he actually think I would believe he's asleep? How dense does he think I am?_

I knew by this point (after obsessively examining my options), I could not evade him on land. Ninja or not, my massive bulk left obvious tracks and so with him blocking my return to the river I was effectively trapped. Confrontation was imminent. Yet, the "snoring" still continued. A decision had to be made. I moved in his direction and steeled myself. If he insisted on trapping me, it would be on _my_ terms that I would meet him and it would be on my terms when I told him to take a hike.

I ate my words when I looked down into the hollow of a fallen tree. There, amongst the tangled roots was Leo – sound asleep. I couldn't believe it! Not only was Leo asleep in strange unknown territory, but he also was so out of it that he had no awareness of my presence. I hadn't even tried to conceal my movements! If Master Splinter saw this Leo would be doing back flips in the dojo for weeks! Watching my sleeping brother I realized the opportunity to truly escape had at last presented itself. I could slip back in the river and this time disappear for good. It would be a quick swim downstream to the ocean and from there I would travel south and find some remote area of the rainforest. I could be sure that no one would ever find me. When my mass mutation began I would not have to fear the destruction I would undoubtedly leave in my wake. A tiny snore interrupted my thoughts.

Leo never snored. Of my brothers it was I who sawed the most logs in a night. Sure Don and Mikey snored here and there, but Leo _always_ slept silently. _But that's not really true is it?_

Staring at the peaceful form of my brother my mind drew up the memory of a similarly positioned Leonardo. One in which Leo slept just as soundly after we brought him back to us when we thought we lost him after Shredder had destroyed April's building. Leo had been badly injured and in the entire drive to North Hampton he had not stirred once. When we arrived at Casey's Grandma's old farmhouse I was seriously worried that the silent unconscious form before me had permanently replaced my brother. Yet, with our tales, we had managed to bring him back. He was broken both mentally and physically but he was back. It was only in that moment of familial sanctuary that he fell asleep accompanied by snores – just like he did now.

I turned my head longingly in the direction of the river and then back to Leo. _Why can't he just let me go? Doesn't he understand what's going to happen if I stay?_

But as much as I knew the right thing was to leave my brother behind, I knew I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I was too selfish. I needed him to support my decision and help me cut the bond we shared. Otherwise I knew I wouldn't be able to completely cut it myself. _In the morning I will sit here and argue until he finally gives in. Leo's a turtle of reason, once I explain it logically he will have no choice but to let me go. Especially once he realizes it's for the best…_

I carefully curled up beside Leo, further sheltering him among the roots, and looked up at the stars. My last conscious thought was, _But if it's for the best why does it hurt so much?_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I awoke the instant I felt the warm rays of sun touch my carapace. Even though I was more familiar with awaking to the damp darkness of the sewers, I knew if given the choice I would sleep every day outside just so I could be woken by the sun. I opened my eyes to see the form of my small brother before me. He was starting to stir and I knew that in a few moments he too would awaken. I inhaled sharply as wave of nausea rushed through me. _The hell? What's wrong with me? He hasn't even opened his eyes and I already got butterflies!_

A visceral shiver ran through me, but I quickly rearranged my pained expression into a scowl because Leo's eyes were now open.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

_Mmmmm… Soooooo… waaaarmmmmm…_

A wonderful heat was soaking through my shell. I was on the verge of consciousness when I heard an inhale of breath and froze. I listened sharply and abruptly knew I was not alone. I braced myself and opened my eyes to be met with the glare of two large amber eyes. Raphael was before me.

I blinked rapidly in disbelief thinking that I was still dreaming. After frantically chasing my brother – the one I thought I was finally reconnecting with – upriver all day – the majority of which was spent thinking how utterly pointless it was – only to collapse in complete exhaustion – even though I was _this_ close to catching him – to abruptly awaken – I had been so warm damn it – to said brother trying to kill me with his glare, left me well, more than a little _pissed_. The calm happy thoughts I had only a moment ago quickly disfigured. My thoughts were no longer tranquil. Instead they were forged from the chaos of pain and wrath. I abruptly sat up (all too aware of my exhausted muscles' protests) and returned my brother's stare, "WHAT. THE. HELL. RAPHAEL? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH YESTERDAY?"

Through his glare I saw the faintest trace of a grimace and although I lowered my voice I angrily plowed ahead, "Not only did you make me swim a marathon's distance in an attempt to keep up with your insane pilgrimage, but then out of some cruel sense of humour do you decide to come to me! God forbid you from growing enough of a pair twenty kilometers sooner so that you'd have enough balls to stop and face me before my limbs were ready to fall off!"

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath only to now be faced with a yelling and slightly sick-looking Raphael, "YOU FUCKER! IN CASE YOU MISSED THE MEMO I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO FOLLOW ME! MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED BEING AN ASSWIPE FOR FIVE MINUTES YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED IT WAS THE ONLY OPTION!"

Only option?! Was he insane? I went to stand up so I could face him head on – only to have my legs embarrassingly collapse right in front of him. I cursed in pain and frustration as I hit the ground, "SHIT!"

The instant I fell Raph's face swiftly changed from mad as hell, to confused and concerned. He leaned down to examine my legs, "Shit Leo, you ok? God I'm such an idiot! Of course you're not ok! You – I pushed you too hard Leo. I'm tired after that swim. I can only imagine how you must be feeling."

I grumbled as I massaged my aching legs, "See this is the kind of epiphany I wish you'd had sooner."

Raph shook his head and this time I could have sworn that he grimaced again, "I didn't stop because I didn't want you to catch me Leo. As it is I only stopped here because I thought I'd finally ditched you. How did you find me anyway? The river gets pretty confusing in these parts…"

My thoughts briefly returned to Bobby, "Uh lucky guess?" And changed the subject. "What about you? How do you know about this place? Are we even safe to be out in the open like this?"

I inwardly cursed at my lack of discipline. First Raphael sneaks up on me and now I hadn't even thought about who we might run into here. "Don't worry about it Leo. This is protected land. Humans aren't supposed to go here. They have wardens patrolling it and everything. Only access is the water. I uh been here before lots of times. One of the places I'd go to get away for a bit. To you know, clear my head."

I did know and it explained how he managed to disappear for days at a time without leaving a clue as to where he'd been. Although it irked me that he could be so careless, I decided to leave that source of irritation alone for now. "So is your head clear enough to come home now?"

"What? Sigh. No Leo I'm not coming home. Look I am sorry for not stopping and facing you sooner. I get you're probably pretty pissed about how sore you are, but it wasn't until last night when I could have easily ditched you that I realized I need your support to do this. When I…. When I mutate again I'm gonna be a danger to you guys and I just cannot risk it. You heard Don even he had no real solution. He… _You_ can't fix this. I'm a ticking time bomb so you must know it's for the best that I leave."

So that was what this was about. Raph playing lone ranger yet again and going off to deal with _his_ problems on his own. Typical. I was so stupid to think anything had changed. I didn't know how, or more accurately trust myself to answer. So that's what I chose. I looked away from his pleading amber eyes and said nothing.

The silence continued and grew so thick I slice through it. Finally Raph choked looking visibly nauseous, "Leo please… You have to understand… I'm begging you to understand… I'm doing this so I don't hurt you."

His words stung me into response and I was embarrassed to hear my voice shaking with emotion, "Hurt me? Hurt me? How is this not hurting me now Raph? Seeing my brother condemn himself as a monster? Again? YES, AGAIN RAPHAEL! Did you not listen to me when we were in the sewers? I thought we were finally rebuilding at least a semblance of the connection we once had! I know I can be a bad listener but it goes both ways Raph! But you know what really rubs salt in the wound? The fact that you don't trust us, trust _me_ enough to even let me attempt to help you! You know why this doesn't seem fixable? Because you're tackling it by yourself! But you know what? Enough is enough Raphael! If you want to-"

BRIIIIING! BRIIIIING! BRIIIIING!

We both started at the sound of my shell cell. I pulled it from my belt to see Mikey's number on the display. As I brought it to my ear I couldn't help but feel something slosh within the phone. _Great and now there's water in the phone! This day just keeps getting better and better!_

"Leo?"

Mikey's voice answered and I couldn't help but notice the static coming from my phone. _The water is probably messing with it…_

"Mikey, what's up?"

As I strained my ears to hear Mikey's response I was frustrated when I heard Raphael's voice instead, "Leo…"

I barely even glanced his way. Instead I waved him off and walked several feet away (my legs screaming as I moved) putting my left hand over my other ear so I could hear Mikey better. "Say that again Mikey I can barely hear you."

"Leo! Master Splinter - CHHZZZ - believe who's – CHHZZ – robot – CRACKLE – aliens – CHZZZ – you get back."

The static was so bad. I had no idea what he was talking about. Master Splinter? Robots? Aliens? _Wait it can't be what I think? Can it?_

Again Raphael interrupted, "Leo… Please…"

I half turned my head, "Raphael shhh! Sorry Mikey, can you please talk louder. I got water in my phone and it's not working properly."

"CHZZZ – him all along – CRACKLE – saw – FIZZ – help they took him – CHZZZ – wounds – CHZZZ – accident in the warehouse and they – CRACKLE – the lair and Don and one of the – FIZZ – Raph with you – CHZZZ – come back –"

"Le…o…"

_Geez Raph is really pushing it now!_

I turned towards my brother, "Raph can't you see I'm…"

"Leo? CHZZZ – Bro – CHZZZ – You there?"

"Mike, I'm going to have to call you back."

Click.

**A/N For those of you wondering CHZZZ, CRACKLE, and FIZZ are my sad attempts to mimic the static on a phone. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Hey dear readers! Wow this story has really developed a mind of its own. I had an initial plan as to where it was going when I first started writing "What Is Strength?" that I thought would easily wrap itself up in a few thousand words... After posted this though I am getting close to 40,000 words now... Whoops... Hopefully you guys are still enjoying the ride and will continue to read and review!**

Chapter 8

I dropped the phone to the ground and grabbed my katana from my back and bent my knees into a fighting stance. My legs were in agony but they were the last thing on my mind. I was too busy staring in horror at my brother. Before my eyes Raphael's body was dissolving. Scales, skin, shell, all of what was him was breaking down into what I can only describe as looking somewhat similar to an amoeba Don once showed me. No discernable features of my brother remained. This huge swelling mess of matter now took his place. At first the mass was a mixture of colours similar to that of my brother's flesh, but now it was black. It was where hope went to die.

I stood petrified having no idea how to proceed and after a moment of semi-calmness the mass began to writhe and long tentacles shot out in all directions grabbing everything in sight. I successful dodged them and when the movement ceased I turned to see it now resembling a spider's web. In the middle was a cocoon of translucent black silk and for the briefest of moment's I saw what appeared to be a sleeping baby version of Raphael. The web seemed to follow my line of sight and the cocoon suddenly was opaque and from one of the web's many branches shot out a long scaled neck like that of a dragon. Another jolt of fear shot through me when it looked at me and I saw a distorted, hideous, nightmare version of my brother's face. The long neck twisted and positioned itself between me and the cocoon, but despite its efforts I couldn't help but notice that the cocoon rhythmically pulsed.

The serpent sneered at me. Its black eyes glimmering in amusement at my shock and fear. I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked the question I feared the answer to, "Raph? Is that you?"

The creature cackled, "Ah Leonardo I have always loved our moments together however brief they may be."

Even though I could feel my terror and confusion as to what I now faced, I refused to be cowed. I focused on my breathing and managed to calm myself slightly, "You did not answer the question. Are you my brother, Raphael?"

Its eyes narrowed, "You always had to be the boss didn't you? Ordering your brothers around like slaves"

I retorted, "That's not true. I have always treated my brothers as equals. Answer the question!"

It shook its head, an evil grin appearing on its face, "Ah ah ah Leonardo. You stamping your foot and swinging those tooth picks around may have worked in the past but you'll now find getting your way to be a little more..." It paused searching for the right word, "Difficult."

I had been so transfixed I hadn't even noticed the black tentacles surrounding me from behind so when I jumped back from the serpent's forward assault I suddenly found myself completely trapped. I was lifted at the ground and then had my four limbs stretched out as the tentacles pulled on my wrists and ankles. They tore into my flesh and I gasped in pain dropping my swords. I struggled to fear myself, but it was hopeless. Even if I wasn't exhausted from the swim, there was no way I was escaping this thing's iron strength. My heart jolted. I was at its mercy.

The living nightmare brought its head within inches of mine so I had no choice but to look into its fathomless dark eyes. "Now that the Fearless Leader has been put in his place. Let's see how fearless he is hmmm? But before we play that little game maybe I'll ask you a question. Who do you think I am? No don't answer yet. I believe in teaching before testing. Pay attention, if you answer wrong the game will be far more fun for me and much more painful for you."

Images materialized in its eyes and as I stared I became lost in them.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

_I found myself in a sewer tunnel beneath a manhole. When I heard voices coming from behind me, I turned and was jolted in surprise by two little turtles heading in my direction. One wore a red mask and one wore a blue mask. I rubbed my eyes. "No way? Is this for real?"_

_The little turtles ignored me and yet they continued walking in my direction. I slowly walked up to them to get their attention only to have the turtles move through my body like I was a ghost, "What the hell? Ok definitely not for real then… I guess? But they look just like Raph and I as kids… This is so bizarre."_

_I turned around to see the two brothers arguing at the base of the ladder. "Raph you heard what Master Splinter said! You know we're not supposed to go above ground!"_

_Raph rolled his eyes, "Gee really Leo? I must have missed the message along with the thousand other times he told us."_

_I or rather Little Leo ("this is so weird") was not deterred by our brother's sarcasm, "All the more reason to not go up! If we get caught we are turtle soup!"_

_"We're not gonna get caught! I've been up this manhole plenty of times on my own and it's been perfectly safe."_

_"YOU WHAT? Are you insane?"_

_Evidently Raphael was tired of this conversation because he was now climbing the ladder, "You and Splinter worry too much. Now are you coming or are ya a hatchling?"_

_I watched my younger self fidget for a moment in anxiety, but when our brother disappeared through the manhole I knew Little Leo would follow. I followed my younger self up the ladder to find us in a school yard. School had long been out, but the area was awfully open. I turned to see the turtles' destination. There in the darkness was a massive and beautiful playground. The kind my brothers and I had dreamed of as kids. As I watched my younger self join Raph at the base of a yellow slide I suddenly realized what this was: a memory._

_Raph had spent months searching for a place like this and when he finally found it he could not help but show it off to me. Yes, I was the good-two-shoes of the family, but I was also the best at keeping secrets. Donnie and Mikey were just too likely to let something like this slip in front of Master Splinter in their excitement and so I was always Raph's first choice to bring on adventures. We did a lot of things we weren't supposed to, but I remember having a lot of fun. _

_I walked over to the playground admiring the swings, the monkey bars and jungle gym. "We could have played for hours here! But why do I only remember coming here only once?"_

_My question was answered all too quickly. Suddenly voices came from the other side of the chain-linked fence separating the park from the street. The little turtles froze midway through their race across the tire bridge and within an instant hid within the large industrial tires. Although instinct told me to hide I knew as the scene continued this was definitely a memory and so nothing I did now would change the outcome._

_Four boys came into view. Three of them were clearly teaming up against one. I saw Raph and Little Leo poke their heads out from the tire ever so slightly to see what was going on. The tallest boy wearing a red baseball cap turned backwards and a black hoodie shoved the one boy into the fence. The boy against the fence didn't seem anything out of the ordinary. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. The other two guys were apparently baseball cap's backup. Both had dark hair and one wore a blue windbreaker while the other wore a green t-shirt. "What did I tell you about coming on our turf?"_

_"But- but Tyler it's the quickest way home after my piano lessons and its dark so-."_

_Another shove. "Hear that guys? Freak show here was coming home from his piano lessons!"_

_They all snickered. Tyler spoke again, "Listen here freak, I don't care how much of a hurry you're in. You're grammy could be on death's door and I won't give a shit. Mutants like you don't come on my turf ever!"_

_He then punched the kid in the gut and the kid sunk down and in an attempt to get away crawled into the streetlight. Then the turtles saw what Tyler had been talking about. Across the kid's entire right side of his face was a massive brown birthmark. In contrast to the pale white smooth skin on his left, the right looked rough and leathery. The turtles, unable to leave the scene without being noticed, were forced to continue watching as the kid's bullies rounded on him again and kicked and punched him until he was breathing hoarsely. Finally, after what seemed like hours they got bored and with a final spit from their baseball cap they swaggered off. It was then the turtles took off towards the manhole. From the top of the ladder Little Leo said, "We can't just leave him…"_

_Raph seemed just as lost as Leo, but thankfully their prayers were heard when a car driving by stopped by the kid. A man got out and pulled out his phone. The little turtles watched from the manhole for a moment until they heard sirens and then vanished down into the sewers._

_I followed my brother and my miniature version down the tunnel. We all moved in silence. After a bit the two small turtles stopped and sunk down onto the floor. Raph dangled his legs over the edge and placed his elbows on his knees so he could support his head as he stared into the water. Little Leo sat in companionable silence with his legs also dangling but instead folded his arms and looked straight ahead. After a moment Raph spoke, "So it's true isn't it?"_

_Little Leo looked at our brother quizzically, "What is?"_

_"What Master Splinter's been telling us all along. That we'll never be accepted up there."_

_"Why are you bringing this up now?"_

_Raph scowled at the ignorance his brother was showing, "Didn't you see what just happened? Those guys beat the tar out of that kid just cuz his face was a bit different! If we ever showed up our faces up there just imagine what'd they do to us?"_

_The small blue-banded turtle frowned and looked into the water examining the reflections of himself and his brother. "I guess you're right but-"_

_Suddenly Raphael jumped up, "There are no buts for us Leo! There's no place for us!" _

_Then he turned tail and ran. I didn't need this scene to remind me what Raph said next. The echoes of his voice still burn my ears, "There's no place for me! I'm always goinna to be a freak!"_

_Then the scene started to dissolve, "Wait it doesn't end here!"_

_But I obviously didn't get a say because I found myself relocated._

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

_Four little turtles played on a worn carpet. The one in purple was reading, the one in orange was drawing, the one in red was playing with a yellow dump truck and the one in blue seemed content to admire his brothers._

_"Okay…" I said to no one in particular, "Another trip down memory lane I gather?"_

_The brothers carried on in silence for a bit still apparently unaware of my presence. I followed my younger version's suit and observed the turtles around me. We both noticed Mikey glancing at Raph every so often, but both Don and Raph were absorbed in their own activities. Finally Little Leo spoke, "Watcha drawing Mikey?"_

_The one in red snorted, "Probably stick figures."_

_"Am not!"_

_Raph sat up, "Oh yeah? Then let's see!"_

_The orange-masked turtle seemed to strongly consider bolting for a moment, but instead decided to stand his ground, "You can't see 'til it's done!"_

_Raph rolled his eyes, "Whatever," and returned to his truck._

_Mikey quietly pulled a clean sheet of paper from the bottom of the stack and now drew with added ferocity. "Wait I remember this now… This was only the day after Raph and I got back from the playground…"_

_I felt my stomach plummet._

_Time continued to pass and with it my anxiety grew. I decided Mikey was taking forever just to prolong my torment. Finally Little Leo spoke again obviously brimming with curiosity as to his brother's progress, "You drawing another comic Mikey?"_

_Raph perked up at that, "What? Mikey can draw comics?"_

_Don looked up from his book, "You didn't know Raph? He is actually quite the proficient artist. His comics resemble those on a newsstand."_

_Raph looked dubious at that comment (partially due to Donatello's use of his ever-expanding vocabulary) and then without second thought he reached out and grabbed the stack of papers Mikey had been working on. "Raph!"_

_"Don't worry Mikey I only wanna look…" The red-masked turtle stared at the page. After a moment of intense examination his eyes widened in apparent horror and were just as quickly flashing with fury. I could tell despite the anger he was ready to cry as he snarled, "Mikey! This some kind of a joke?"_

_"What? No! Wait Raph don't-"_

_But it was too late. Raph tore the papers in half and threw them on the floor. "Mikey you're such a puke! Don't you dare draw me again!"_

_And with that Raphael stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door in his wake. Mikey began to cry and once again the scene began to fade, but I still remembered what had been on that paper. The boy had dark brown hair, amber eyes, a red ninja mask, and wore jeans with a black t-shirt. On the t-shirt was a turtle shell with a red capital R placed in the middle. It had undoubtedly been a drawing of Raphael as a human._

_"Hey wait! There's more to this one too! You're not showing everything!"_

_But my protests were swallowed as I found myself in yet another memory._

_(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)_

_We were still in the lair but now Mikey was absent and it was just my younger self, Raph, and Don. Don was typing on the computer with Little Leo watching from behind his chair. Meanwhile, Raph was reading a magazine on motorcycles pretending to ignore Donnie and my younger self's conversation. "What are you doing Donnie?"_

_"I'm talking to people."_

_Raph looked up from his magazine, but the other two remained oblivious to their brother's sudden bout of interest. "What? How? You don't know anybody but us and Sensi."_

_"It's called a chatroom Leo. I can talk to people from around the globe with it."_

_"Really? Are they humans?"_

_Don laughed, "I would assume so but who knows maybe the odd mutant hamster logs on from time to time."_

_I mimicked my miniature's smile. Raph got up and came up behind Don's free side. "What do humans talk to you about?"_

_It was a valid question. All we really knew about humans at the time was from what we had observed from the shadows of storm drains and cable TV. None of us had ever actually had a conversation with a human and even though TV seemed pretty realistic Sensi had always been lecturing as on how much of what we watched was a fabricated tale brought to life by actors. So much of that wasn't even real._

_Donnie looked in surprise at his brother's sudden interest. "Well this chatroom is great for talking about science. We talk about all kinds of things. Newton's Laws, microbiology, and right now we're discussing the solar system."_

_Don's eyes suddenly gave way to that dreamy look he got when he got lost and thought and Raph gave a little cough, "So uh humans like the solar system huh?"_

_Don laughed, "They love it! They can't help but wonder what's out there."_

_Little Leo had been watching Raphael closely throughout the entire exchange and the Raph suddenly walked off to the bedroom and closed the door. I blinked and found myself alone in the room with Raph. He was on his bed and propped up on his pillow was one of Don's books. It wasn't just any book though. It was the ratty old textbook Master Splinter had dug out of the trash last year. It was devoted astronomy and particularly: the solar system. It was hard to believe, but I knew it was true because I remembered my younger self later finding the book tucked under Raph's pillow when I had come to harvest the bed linen for laundry. I remembered that Raph had spent an awful lot of time locked in the bedroom the next several days after that discussion._

_The scene blurred and I knew some time had passed. Once again Don was on the computer. My younger self was still there but I was practicing my kata now. Raph came into the room and when he saw Don on the computer he walked over with a slight spring in his step. "You in that chatroom again Donnie?"_

_"Yup."_

_Raph looked like he could barely contain himself, "You still talking about the solar system with the humans?"_

_Don laughed, "Naw that was so last week Raph! Now we're onto evolution and circuits!"_

_I felt my breath caught at the look of crestfallen rejection cross my brother's face. As Don turned away from the monitor it was to see Raph bolt from the lair. Little Leo had stopped his kata a look of comprehension on his face, but once again the scene faded away like the others._

_"Hey wait a second! You only have half the story! None of these ended like you thought it did! Hey I'm talking to you! Answer me damn it!"_

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I blinked only to open my eyes to see those dark pits before me. It pulled its head away and sneered, "You dare lie to us? We KNOW how it ended. These like so many others all ended the same way! Rejection! Failure! Sorrow! Together festering and distorting! You will not deny it!"

Then it dawned on me, "You're his anger. His wrath. His hatred! You distort everything and refuse to listen! You're the one that blocked us out! Blocked him out!"

It hissed, "Lies! It was we who protected him. We who gave him freedom. We who were his true salvation! We saved him from a world of betrayal, rejection, and fear. When the world – when you Leonardo would have rather abandoned him it was we who were his ally!"

The tentacles tightened on my limbs and then I felt one slide around my neck. I was running out of time and I needed to think fast. I stared at the cocoon knowing inside my brother willingly hid. It hurt to know that he was hiding from me… I wondered if he knew that by hiding he allowed his anger to control him and thanks to the mutagen it now had an all-to-real physical manifestation. I silently begged for some idea to come to me. I remembered Donnie saying that Raphael's brain was unaffected by the mutagen. If that was still the case then maybe if Raphael chose it he could regain control. _But I still have no idea how I can convince him to fight again… What a mess – the brother who always was ready to fight hides from the one fight that really matters._

The tentacle started to tighten around my neck and I felt my pulse increase. _Come on Leo… Think! Wait… If that thing is psychologically connected with Raph right? Like a frightening-as-hell mutant conduit? It let me access Raphael's mind so maybe I can use it so Raph can access mine? Then I can guide him and bring him back…_

That was it. I needed to have another stare down with that thing. _So how do you get its attention? Easy: make Raph angry. And what makes Raph angry? Easy: Mikey does._

"HEY RAPHAEL! REMEMBER ME? LEONARDO? Yeah you know the superior-to-you-in-every-way, amazing, wonderful, glorious, pretty-darn-handsome-if-I-do-say-so myself ninja prodigy of a brother?"

I saw the cocoon begin to pulse slightly faster and the dragon's eyes narrowed, "You dare? You really dare to insult us?"

A gave it my best I'm-your-big-brother-so-you-better-listen-to-me-now look, "HEY! I didn't interrupt you with your whole "I'm evil thing!" Besides Dragon Breath, that was only me reminding you of who you're dealing with. Me being insulting would be if I called you numbnuts, dingus face, butt ugly, or my personal favourite shell-for-brains."

It was now starting to get rather difficult to breath but it was looking angrier by the second, "Do you wish to die in agony?"

"Didn't I just say not to interrupt? And see that's the point: I said "if I called you" those things. So technically I didn't call you numbnuts, dingus face, butt ugly, or shell-for-brains. Geez you're a poor listener."

It was leaning in closer. Now to bring it home, "Oh and did I mention I'm the leader? Not you. Not Raphael. Me. Leonardo. Doesn't that just burn your insides? How could Splinter not pick you over me? I mean you were the obvious choice. You were the best in combat, the strongest, the bravest, and yet Splinter choose me: the boy-scout, Mr. Perfect, the goody-two-shoes. The one brother that you couldn't stand to lose to beat you. The one thing that you ever truly wanted I got but you know what would be the icing on the cake? That fact that because I'm the leader you have to listen to me!"

Now the cocoon was really pulsing and the nightmare screamed, "ENOUGH!"

A tentacle wrapped around my mouth effectively cutting off my last source of air. "You have interfered long enough Leonardo!"

I could not talk and as my air ran out I caught the stare of my brother's wrath. I concentrated all my remaining energy and was lost in those fathomless depths once more.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

_I could see nothing in the darkness, but I knew he was there. "Raphael? Can you hear me? I'm here. It's ok. You can come out."_

_From the distance I heard the voice of a small scared Raphael, "No! I won't leave. It's safe here."_

_Even though the turtle in the cocoon was a child, I still had not expected to this voice. I could feel my chest constricting and even though I could not see the tentacles I knew I was running out of time. "Please Raphael I need you! You're the only one who can help me. I know you're scared, but the Raph I know never gives up. He would rather die than give up!"_

_Crying hit my ears, "You're lying! You don't mean those things! You're only saying them so that I'll help you!"_

_"Raphael I'm not lying! I meant every word! You can trust me. I always have had your back! I have always cared!"_

_"No you don't! You didn't care before! Why would you care now?"_

_And then it hit me. This Raphael only knew of the memories I had witnessed earlier. He really did only know half the truth and to this child's mind he truly did feel abandoned. "Then let me show you the rest."_

_"The rest?"_

_"Just wait. You'll see."_

_(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)_

_Don turned to see his brother flee from the lair. "Did I miss something?"_

_Leo abandoned his kata practice and walked over to Don. "Can I show you something?"_

_Don nodded and followed Leo to the bedroom. There under Raphael's pillow was the solar system text book and underneath that were pages and pages of notes written in Raph's messy script ranging from the composition of Venus' atmosphere to the moons of Saturn. Don exhaled, "Wow… I had no idea…"_

_"Yeah I only found out a few days ago. I'm pretty sure it started after you told him that humans liked to talk about the solar system. I think he did it so that on some level he would feel like less of a misfit you know?"_

_Don nodded, "He was going to talk about it today wasn't he?"_

_Leo nodded._

_"Geez I'm such an idiot Leo! How did I not notice?"_

_Leo placed his hand on his brother's shoulder, "It's not too late to fix it."_

_Donnie scrunched his face and thought hard for a moment, "Yeah, you're right!"_

_"Just make it subtle ok? You know how he can be."_

_"I have just the idea. Would you read it when I'm done?"_

_"Definitely."_

_The scene fogged over slightly and then Donnie was handing a piece of paper over to Leo. "Here it is."_

_Leo began to read:_

_Hey Raphael,_

_So hopefully you won't be too mad, but I found out about your hidden love for the solar system. I always thought I was the only turtle in this household that enjoyed science so when I found your notes – well I "geeked out" as you like to put it. I couldn't help it though. Sometimes I feel like such a total misfit and to see what you can do... Well I can't even begin to describe what I felt, but I can tell you one thing: it felt really good. I know you're probably rolling your eyes by now thinking what a mushy turtle I am, but hopefully you're not too disgusted to talk stars with me sometime. I'd love to have you as my stargazing buddy. After all, I know I can't help but feel a little lonely looking up at the cosmos. The universe is just so big! I guess what I'm trying to say Raph is that the next time you feel lost in space please know that your existence has meaning to someone. You really do mean the world to me._

_Always your fellow stargazer,_

_Donatello_

_"It's perfect Don."_

_Donatello nodded and folded the paper up and placed it on the page where Raph had left off so that when he continued his exploration of the universe he would be sure to find his brother's love._

_(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)_

_Don comforted Mikey while Leo went and gathered the torn drawings. "It – Hic – wasn't even finished yet!"_

_Don rubbed Mikey's shell, "Shh I know Mikey. He's just been struggling with something lately."_

_Leo nodded knowingly, his eyes full of understanding. Leo then walked to the kitchen and pulled out a roll of scotch tape and came back to the carpet and began taping Mikey's hard work back together. After Leo finished fixing up the first page he lifted it to discover the next page was not what he had anticipated at all. There was Raphael standing in a heroic pose with his sai glistening in the moonlight. He was several years older in the drawing and looked pretty amazing. Leo taped up that page and found the next page showing another cool shot of Raph. Page after page in the pile had a similar theme and when Leo reached the bottom he looked over at Mikey the question posed on his lips. Mikey beat him to it, "I always draw Raph. It's not that I have anything against you guys. You're in plenty of my pictures it's just. Raphael is my hero! He always has been! I quickly drew that other picture as a joke so we'd have a good laugh and he would forget to look at the others. I didn't want to get embarrassed. But now he hates me!"_

_Don continued to rub Mikey's shell, "He doesn't hate you Mikey!"_

_Leo was to looking at the pictures, "I can't help but envy Raph for getting the chance to be your muse Mikey. These pictures are amazing! None of your other stuff is this good!"_

_Mikey sniffed, "That's cuz Raph inspires me! Everything comes out better when your inspired Leo." Mikey's eyes began to water again, "But I guess now I haveta find a new inspiration since Raph doesn't want me to draw him anymore!"_

_Leo scooted over to Mikey and grabbed his crying brother's shoulders, "Michelangelo, no matter what Raphael says the only person who decides what inspires you is you. If he still inspires you, you should keep drawing him. One day, maybe not right away, but one day he will come around. When that day comes I know he will be the proudest of us all because even when things were tough you always stayed true to your art." _

_The memory blurred again and this time the setting was in the new lair. An older Leo entered Mikey's room and saw his artistic brother with several boxes laid out in front of him. All of them were filled with Mikey's hero – he never stopped drawing him._

_(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)_

_The word "freak" continued to echo down the tunnel. An older Leo sat down beside his younger self and joined him looking into the water. As the water slowly moved past threads of memories both young and old swirled past. All involved him. _

_He was there wrestling Mikey - glee in both their eyes. He was there bringing a fresh cup of coffee to a project-obsessed Don. He was there running the rooftops with Leo. He was there drinking tea with their Sensi. He was there comforting Mikey after another nightmare. He was there working in the garage with Don – both covered in grease. He was there sitting in companionable silence with Leo overlooking the city. He was there helping April move boxes in her store. He was there to talking trash with Casey. He was there where he belonged: he was there with his family._

**A/N So I know this chapter was kind of crazy, but hopefully its symbolism and the cathartic feel struck home for you guys. It was a difficult chapter to write mostly because of the memories. Obviously I wanted them to keep to the theme, but I also wanted them to work in a way that they would make look like horrible experiences if only being allowed to see half of each scene. That was kind of the point though because too often our feelings and hurt can warp reality (especially when we're younger) so even when you have only part of the information things seem disproportionately worse than they are. Also hopefully I managed to have you guys have a few awe moment's with little Mikey, little Don, and more subtly with little Leo. **


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

A blinding light engulfed my vision and I felt a strange sense of peace settle over me. I felt the soft grass under my hands and opened my eyes. I lay on my plastron with my arms laying in front of me – my small normal arms. I abruptly sat up not daring to believe it. It was too good to be true, but there I was on the forest floor back to my old self. I looked around to show Leo and froze to see my brother laying unmoving a few meters from me. I ran over to him, "Leo! Leo, bro wake up!"

I pushed him onto his back and knew he wasn't breathing, all too aware of the ring of bruising around his neck. I didn't have time to think. I checked his airway, determined it was clear, and began CPR. The minutes dragged on and as I was beginning to think this was the end Leo let out a haggard cough and sharply inhaled. When my elder brother opened his eyes they were brimming with pride. I could only look away in embarrassment. He whispered, "Raph… You… You came back."

I mumbled, "Didn' go anywhere."

But we both knew I had. I couldn't remember all the details but I did remember the darkness and the anger. The anger whispering to me. Showing me things that I had long forgotten. I had believed them to be the whole truth. That is until Leo's voice penetrated the void. What he showed me… Well… It… He changed things.

I glanced a look in his direction to see his eyes closed, "You ok?"

"Yeah. Just… I don't know… Tired? Shocked? Relieved? You?"

I nodded, "Same here."

We lay side by side on the cool green grass and basked in the morning sun. Leo seemed to be dozing, but I stayed awake watching soft clouds scuttle across the bright blue sky. A light breeze rustled the leaves above. I lifted up my hand and admired it in the light. _Is that it? Am I really back to normal just like that?_

Suddenly, Leo bolted up. "Raph! We need to get back to the lair! I just remembered my conversation with Mikey. Based on what he said I think those robots somehow managed to find the lair! Don and Mikey could be in trouble!"

"What! Really? Why didn't you tell…"

I trailed off. There was a pretty good reason why Leo hadn't told me until now. "Shit. Sorry Leo."

He shook his head. "Not your fault bro." He looked me up and down and quirked an eye ridge, "Besides on the bright side, it looks like you're going to save Don one hell of headache."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Leo picked up his katana from the ground and I now saw the deep bruises that were blossoming around his wrists. My eyes then led me to his ankles were similar marks had appeared. "Leo…"

Leo looked up from his katana and followed the line of my gaze. He sheathed his blades and fidgeted briefly with his belt, "Like I said. It's not your fault."

"But if you had-"

"Enough Raphael! It wasn't your choice to make! It was MY choice and I don't regret it for an instant. After what we just went through how can you still not understand?"

He was right. He had been right all along and after what he showed me I would never doubt it again. I shook my head and clasped him on the shoulder, "You're right Leo."

He huffed but it was more for show than actual anger. I could tell he saw the gratitude and honesty in my eyes. He unbelted my sai and handed it to me, "Here. You might need this."

I wrapped my hand around the familiar leather-wrapped handle. "Thanks. Guess I'm gonna have to get a new one. I lost track of the other at the warehouse. It's probably long gone by now."

We headed towards the river, "Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Did Don ever take that note outta that astronomy book?"

A small knowing smile crossed Leo's lips, "Nope."

"Huh? Maybe I should hit the books again."

He glanced over mischievously, "What'd the books ever do to you?"

I lightly smacked him on the shell, "Haha. What a funny turtle."

Leo was silent. I knew he was waiting, "And uh… Did uh Mikey's inspiration ever change?"

He flashed that little smile again, "Nope."

We walked in silence for a few minutes and finally came to the riverbank. "Hey Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

He nodded as a genuine smile crossed his face and we dove into the river together.

**A/N And with that we are now officially done part 2! Huzzah! There will be a part 3 I just need to think a bit about how I'm going to proceed. I'm not yet sure if I'm going to write it so that it seamlessly flows back into the canon (that was the original plan). I have thought about adding some new developments first (so I guess prolonging the return to canon) but I don't want to overdo it either. I would love to hear any feedback as to what you have thought of the story so far. If you have enjoyed where this has been going it may potentially influence how I continue with events in part 3. Thank-you so much for reading and hopefully I'll see you all in part 3!**


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